eredit

So as many of you know I’ve been quite sick lately. I ran a personal best fever for a while, topping the charts at 104.1. Yeah that’s right, we’re talking icebath kind of fever! Go me!

Anyway, I survived with (I think) most of my wit intact. But in my trippy state of fevery half sleep, I “watched,” over the course of several days, 139 episodes of The Office and 30 Rock. Keep in mind, I have seen each of these episodes a minimum of 5 and a maximum of 50 times each (not exaggerating), so I don’t really have to watch to understand what’s happening. That came in handy around hour 54 when all the liquid had steamed out of my eyeballs.

Every time I closed my eyes, though, the weirdest thing would happen. Actually, no, it wasn’t that weird. I was hallucinating. Vividly. About things loosely related to what was going on on those shows that were playing. And here, my friends, is my list of hallucinations and general thoughts that I decided to write down for your amusement, should I survive the ordeal. I had originally titled the document “sickthoughts” but really wondered how that would look if I died so I wound up renaming it to thoughtswhilesick. I regret it now. Anyway, here goes:

1. Tina Fey riding a panda the size of an elephant through a children’s toy store.
2. How come no one wrote a people magazine article about Tracy Morgan’s weight gain/loss over the course of 30 Rock? They would have if it had been Jane Krakowski or Tina Fey.
3. If you watch the office backwards, it’s about a guy who bitterly divorces the love of his life, moves to a shit town in Pennsylvania, and then self-destructs until he an awkward, bitter racist with a horrible haircut.
4. Why didn’t they call the mini microwave the micro-micro?
5. Meredith Palmer and Todd Packer would have made a great couple. they are both gross, ridiculous, and have herpes.
6. Do people get crabs anymore now that everyone overshaves their junk?
7. My mother actually asked her 27 year old daughter “are you pooping?” on Mother’s Day. And she didn’t mean “right now” she meant “in general.”
8. I wonder how those Civil War era dudes that had to sit for hours for photographs would feel about our stupid MySpace bathroom photos and duckface poses?
9. Why does no one ever draw creepily realistic drawings of Disney animals?
10. I miss Dunkaroos
11. An empire penguin in a red fur coat singing “I’m Coming Out” in a dressing room
12. A submarine sandwich in a harness repelling down the side of an office building